101 Rules of Metal
(check back for more - we don't want to oversaturate your shrinking brain with too much at once!)
1. Don't be that guy. (i.e. don't wear the t-shirt of the band you're going to see)
2. Don't whistle while you work. *
3. If it's too loud, you're too old.
4. When in doubt, blame the record label.
5. It is NOT metal to sing a song about having your heart broken and cry about it.
6. It IS metal to sing a song about hacking up your ex and eating her.
7. Emo sucks.
8. Emo sucks. (No exceptions, stop looking for an asterisk).
9. Drawing X's on your hands is stupid; tattooing X's on yourself is really stupid; if you don't want to drink, then don't.
10. Blood is metal.
11. Metal must be played at “11” whenever possible.
12. You don't win friends with salad.
13. You'll worship Satan and like it, bitch!
14. There is no skipping in metal.
15, Ritualistically sacrificing a goat in the name of metal does not guarantee you a record deal... but, on the other hand, it doesn't hurt either.
16, Metal guys cannot be “pimps”, “playaz” or “hustlaz.”
17. It's never okay to have the words “Winger” and “Cool” next to each other.
18, Owning the Black Album by Metallica does not mean that you're metal or ever were.
19. Vikings = Metal; this has been proven true, so accept it.
20. Do not talk about romantic comedies unless someone dies in the movie.
21. If you are unsigned, blame American fans for being ignorant to “true” metal - or see Rule 4.
22. The heavy metal media is inherently clueless and worthless until they cover your favorite band.
23. Management is for amateurs; “true” metal bands know everything about everything.
24. Publishing rights exist so you can never sell the rights to use your music, no matter how broke you are.
25. A band can only be “true” metal if less than 50,000 people have heard of them. **
26. If your mom knows the band, they're not “true” metal.
27. Devil horns should not be abused; do not use them unless you really need them.
28. If someone asks why you like heavy metal, punch them in the face. When they're on the ground, ask how they feel. When they say, “Hurt” or “Angry” tell them that that's how you feel all the time, and heavy metal is your release. Then hit them again, and tell them to stop asking dumb questions.
29. Covering a disco song in a “metal” way is definitely NOT metal.
30. There is absolutely nothing metal about disco. ††
31. Subgenres are necessary to describe your sound; make sure you create your own subgenre that sounds original, despite the fact that you sound like every other band. (Example: Nile is Ithyphallic Death Metal – Ithyphallic refers to Egyptian statues with mythically proportioned erections).
32. Apologies are not metal.
33. Excuses are like assh*les.
34. Smiley faces on the internet are NOT metal. (Unless you can put a bloody bullet hole in them).
35. Do not bad mouth Ozzy no matter what trend you're following.
36. Do not follow trends.
37. Boots are meant for stomping.
38. All music videos must take place on stage, in the woods, in a graveyard, or in a warehouse with chains hanging.
39. Learn to play a 6 string guitar before picking up a 7 string guitar.
40. Unless you're solving complex mathematical equations with your music, don't call yourselves “math-metal.”
41. Wear shirts that offend people, especially Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Homosexuals (see Sebastian Bach).
42. Lemmy is God. Therefore God is great, but still worship Satan.
43. Pretend all of the contradictions in metal make sense, especially the contradictions in these rules.
44. Punk is your mortal enemy.
45. Listen to Manowar while driving your 88 Firebird T-top.
46. Scratch that, Manowar is only cool if you live in Germany and your name is Hans.
47. Album covers must be epic. Stick figures and a pentagram does not equal epic.
48. Ballads are only acceptable in memory of a fallen comrade or if you haven't been laid in a while and you're desperate.
49. You can't cut up or burn an Iron Maiden flag.
50. Your 420 reference is not subtle, witty or clever, so shut up 'cause my mom knows about it.
51. Cows weren't made for moshing.
52. Berserkers eat warriors. ***
53. If it's mainstream, then it's not “true” metal.
54. Pretending to be a vampire does not make you metal.
55. In order to be truly metal, you must own a magical wolf. Preferably, your wolf will be white and look like the level 3 character in Altered Beast. If you do not own such a wolf, you must own a magical beast large enough to ride if you have to go somewhere. It must be able to turn into a white blaze, take you wherever you need to go, and shoot blue fireballs. †††
56. Making fun of people is metal.
57. Poseur is a word reserved for metalheads to call people who aren't “true.”
58. Drinks should not have an umbrella or piece of fruit in them.
59. Wearing a “vintage” AC/DC t-shirt with gold rhinestones that you bought for $75 does not make you metal.
60. Holes in your jeans are only metal if they're there by accident.
61. Metal Gods are not replaceable.
62. If you don't know all the words to Pantera's “Walk,” you're not metal.
63. Skulls have more uses than just holding your brain.
64. Throwing Bibles into the audience isn't metal, unless by Bibles you mean Hustler magazine.
65. Everything is much cooler when it's on fire.
66. Logos must be indecipherable; if someone can read your logo, it's not metal enough. A logo looks cool if you touch it, and it cuts your hand. That's metal. ****
67. Use the words crush, destroy, slam, rip and rampaging when writing your bio.
68. Adding the word “core” to your genre does not make you metal. ††††
69. Metalheads don't wear pink... THEY EAT IT!!!
70. Just because you like guys with long hair, does not mean you're metal.
71. It's okay to chant “Slayer” at ANY metal show. Ω
72. There is no dancing in metal.
73. If you are male, being pretty is NOT metal.
74. Burying your family in the basement does not make you metal.
75. If you should ever find yourself being interviewed for a documentary about metal, make sure you are drunk as hell, floating in the pool, and your mom is near by to say how proud of you she is.
76. Tipper Gore still sucks.
77. Moshing should only be done at a metal show. If you think it's appropriate to mosh to Simple Plan, you're wrong and you're not metal.
78. Always make sure you have your cake and eat it too, 'cause what's the point of having cake if you can't eat it?!?!
79. Jägermeister mixes well with everything - try it on your pancakes, too!
80. If you ever find yourself replacing the original lead singer of a band, try to incorporate a nickname for yourself, so the fans accept you quicker. (Examples: George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher - Cannibal Corpse and Tim “Ripper” Owens - Judas Priest).
81. Eating worms out of a chalice or goblet is metal (see Lord Worm - Cryptopsy).
82. It is not metal to wear a suit and tie, ever. This includes court appearances, unless you actually want to win your case.
83. Go against the norm – even if you agree, disagree just for the sake of disagreeing.
84. Raising the horns doesn't make you metal, as proven by Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. However, raising the horns and gouging out Justin's eyes with them... NOW THAT'S METAL!!!
85. Getting banned from a venue 'cause of your name makes you metal; replacing that band on the bill and having more disturbing lyrics than the banned band is even more metal.
86. Just 'cause you can play air guitar or air drums does not mean you can play an instrument, nor does it mean you should start a metal band.
87. Metalheads are always serious and never have a sense of humor. A true metalhead should never listen to any other form of music and should denounce anything that's not metal as “douchey” music.
88. Having sex in a graveyard is only metal if you're listening to Cannibal Corpse – “Festering in the Crypt” or King Diamond – “The Graveyard” while doing it.
89. Facial hair should not be groomed, you may shape it, but it should be allowed to grow out to its full potential.
90. Your cell phone must have a metal ringtone. Having your phone ring to Right Said Fred 'cause you think it's “cute” is not metal.
91. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wear a backwards red NY Yankees hat.
92. Metal music should never “grow” or “evolve” through time with the band. Some bands like to use that as a copout for why they write shitty pop music compared to their old stuff (coughcoughMETALLICAcoughcough). Did Motorhead “grow”? No, they did speed for 30 years and continuously kick ass!
93. Hell hath no fury like a metalhead told to turn it down!
94. If you start off wearing makeup or masks, don't stop just to prove that you've grown up and changed, only to don them again when you realize that no one cares about you without your makeup or masks (see KISS for reference).
95. Putting your guitar into a wood chipper does not make you a guitar shredder, nor does fingering the fret board make you a ladies' man.
96. No ass, no grass, no pass.
97. Go to rehab at least twice throughout your career. This allows for your 'Behind the Music' to be more interesting.
98. Weapons are metal. Make sure you always carry some sort of weapon. Battle Axes are extremely metal. Note that toxic gas passed through your ass is not a weapon, or a perfume that attracts women.
99. 99 bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, smash it over someone's head, 98 bottles of beer on the wall...
100. If you have an accent that can't be placed, just say you're from Sweden. It will automatically increase your credibility by 20%.
101. METAL HAS NO RULES. BREAK THEM ALL.
Note: When you've read and followed all these rules and reached Rule 101, you have shown your devotion.
And devotion is what metal's about.
You can now call yourself a true metalhead.
*Exception to Rule 2: if you can whistle and make it sound like at least a 4 track recording of “Angel of Death,” it's acceptable.
† Exception to Rule 14: if you're making fun of someone and demonstrating how lame they were for skipping.
**Exception to Rule 25: Bands such as Pantera and Slayer have proven themselves worthy of being known by more than 50,000 people.
†† Exception to Rule 30: The only possible exception to this rule is if for some reason Slayer decided to cover a disco song, however this unlikely event undoubtedly means the world will end before the song finishes.
*** Courtesy of Zakk Wylde
††† Courtesy of Dillinger Escape Plan
**** Courtesy of At the Gates by way of Darkest Hour.
†††† Exception to Rule 68: Grindcore is metal and has over a twenty-year history. Ω Note: You can even do it at a 7-11, if you'd like.
